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I was telling Irati right now how I had almost convinced myself it wasn't real (Buenos Aires as I remembered it) and how I think it kinda fucked me up to discover it was and that maybe that's what made this last year so hard, my interest in university basically disappear, etc.

Maybe you should REALLY not return to the places where you have been happy, I always thought it didn't make sense but maybe THAT's what they meant, that if you do then you would be happy again and want to return again BUT not stay because HI, you've been somewhere all that time too and you can't go back to being happy in place A so then you want to be in two places at once and you're royally fucked.

Ok, so there's a VERY IMPORTANT POINT to all this. Maybe you've heard this story before but I need to tell it again, skip as needed. When I eighteen we were being talked about university and our futures in high-school in Figueres and I suddenly understood something: "I can't stay here". I had been living in Spain for three and a half years after leaving Buenos Aires at the peak of my social life and general happiness, I had been living in a place where for the first two years almost everybody had seen my difference as a defect and then, after I started the last two years of high-school in a new school, as something attention perhaps funny but where nobody had understood it, or me. I don't know if it would have helped meeting Aura or Irati sooner, I still would have refused to be anything but myself, I still would have to translate my thoughts to be understood, I still would have felt opressed and like I didn't fit. It's been another four years, guess what? I still don't fit, I have been much happier since I started university, not because I have met people who have made me so, truthfully, although I have met some people that maybe could (maybe) have. I have been happier because I have been doing something worthwhile that for the most part I loved to do. But this last year, thanks to Bologna and other assorted reasons, like my family being insane, that has stopped being enough and I have been looking for a way out. After my stay in London in 2007 it seemed like the perfect hideout, like a place where maybe I could be myself to the fullest, without any kind of constraints, where I could be young and stop worrying about everybody else. Aura suggested things like I volunteer to the European Youth Organization, my mum wanted me to make contact with the Jewish community in London, then Aura also suggested being an au pair (the au pair agency was called Avalon, I have become an avid fan of the BBC series "Merlin", plus "kids are easy", I thought it was a sign. If you do not understand why it is quite pointless to try to). I'm talking to the agency and families and I will let you know how it goes but it's a plausible plan.

Meanwhile, I will visit a tiny piece of home in the form of the Atlantic ocean, Irati and Aura, all residing in Galicia at the moment. By doing all this I'm fucking up the "don't return" rule TWICE because I was happy in both Galicia and London but since I can't be in two places at once I may as well be unable to be in four, right?


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January 2012

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